READING THE SIGNS:

                    How To Make Shallow Snap Judgements
                         Taken From Women's Glibber

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden
signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person.
Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these KEY "SIGNS."

1. Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex

2. Man gets in car withour opening door for woman - No foreplay

3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way - Is
a virgin

5. Can't hail a cab - Impotent

6. Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif -
Compulsive Don Quixote

7. Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant - Compulsive Don
Juan

8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho

9. Wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow

10. Wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow

11. Takes too long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching orgasm

12. Orders salad dressing on the side - Will give you a hand job, but will
not go "all the way"

13. Gives explicit orders to waiter - Will expect incredibly skillful
gymnastics in bed

14. Asks for extra rolls - Will say she is using birth control when she's
not, will get pregnant and sue

15. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will
have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't

16. Asks for "The Usual" - Insists on missionary position only

17. Asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs

18. Fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculation

19. Doesn't finish everything on plate - Has already come

20. Insists on having some of whatever you orderded - Will make you sleep
on the wet spot

21. Changes mind after ordering - Will never call you

22. Changes tables - Nyphomaniac

23. Drinks Decaf. - Fakes Orgasm (Female)

24. Orders in French - Fakes Orgasm (Male)

25. Sends food back - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then
try to borrow money

26. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - Needs you to talk dirty
during sex

27. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - Wants a handjob

28. Orders a dessert involving nuts - Castrating Bitch

29. Wants to split dessert - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in
with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball
posters

30. Credit card is refused - Low sperm count

31. Undertips waiter - Small penis

32. Undertips parking valet - Small penis

33. Undertips cabbie - Small penis

34. Uses toothpick - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything

35. Removable cassette player in car - Pulls out repeatedly during sex

36. Cellular phone in car - Penile inplant