Subject: Application to Date My Daughter

 APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO
 DATE MY DAUGHTER

 NOTE:This application will be incomplete and rejected
 unless accompanied by a complete financial statement,
 job history, lineage, and current medical report
 from your doctor.

 NAME______________________________________
 DATE OF BIRTH_____________
 HEIGHT____________  WEIGHT_____________
 IQ__________  GPA_____________
 SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________
 DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
 BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES _____________________________________________
 HOME ADDRESS__________________________  CITY/STATE___________  ZIP_____
 Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________
 If NO, explain___________
 Number of years parents married________
 If less than your age, Explain____________________
 Do you own a van?_____  A truck with oversized tires?_____
 A waterbed?__________
 A pickup with a mattress in the back?______  A condom?______
 Pornography?_______
 Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring?________
 A tattoo?___________
 (IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE
 APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)
 In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you? _____________________________

 ______________________________
 In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY
 DAUGHTER, mean to you?__________
 _________________________________
 _________________________________
 In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? _______________________
 _________________________
 _________________________
 Church you attend_________________________________
 How often you attend_______
 When would be the best time to interview your father, mother,
 and priest?_____________
 Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely, all answers are
 confidential.  (that means I won't tell anyone EVER)

 A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would
 be________________________
 B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is
 my________________________
 C: A woman's place is in the ____________________________
 D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about
 is____________________
 E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first
 is______________________
 NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue.
 Leaving premises keeping your head low and running
 in a serpentine fashion is advised.

 What do you want to do IF you grow up_________________________________________

 What is the current going rate of a hotel room?
 ____________________________________
 Condoms come in A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12
 E: ALL OF THE ABOVE (circle one)

 I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED
 ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF
 MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT
 TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION,
 CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND
 HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
 _______________________________________
 Signature (that means sign your name moron)

 Thank you for your interest.  Please allow four to six years
 for processing.  You will be contacted in writing if you are
 approved.  Please do not try to call or write (since you
 probably can't, and it would cause you injury)  If
 your application is rejected, you will be notified by two
 gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases
 (you might watch your back).